A few months ago, when painting a fence in Sicily, my French friend who has lived in quite some countries, said something that I just keep remembering. With every new country, she had to change her personality. I couldn't relate back then, now I can.
Denmark has been my 4th country to live/study in. This has been my 4th life. The Czech Republic, Slovakia, Vienna and Denmark. 4 different countries, 4 different spoken languages, 4 different Adkas.
And only now I truly understand what a change it is to live abroad. I have been here for over a month, but it feels like ages. Last week I was asked at an interview about my hobbies. And honestly, I couldn't recall anything. And when I was asked about my future, I couldn't answer rationally either. As if there was no past and no future. As if all the events from previous months just disappeared. When I try very hard, I can remember everything that I used to love. I can even remember who I used to be. It's just not that intense anymore and it feels like a long time ago.
It's hard to describe who I am because I am not who I used to be anymore. Therefore, my usual description of myself doesn't correspond to the reality. And sadly, I can't even say what the reality is. Because currently, I don't know who I am. My whole life turned in a blank page. No past and no future. Starting from very zero, creating new me, new hobbies, new friends. Pressing the reset button. New Me in a progress, keeping in heart who I used to be. Who I am not anymore.
On the other hand, there are new joys in my life. Getting my own bike. Biking at 11 PM through the empty streets. Walking up the only hill in Aalborg overseeing the town. Dumpster diving. Sunsets. Getting CPR. Sleeping in a real bed. Dinners with friends. Decorating my own room. Days without rain. Sun. Blue sky. Free hugs. Endless talks with Miška in the middle of the town.
It feels good. It's like a blank canvas that you can paint on. Or starting The Sims from the very beginning. Like an empty room. Or your favourite town at 6 AM. Like spring after winter. And like starting writing a new journal. Or like deleting your Facebook account completely.
It's like starting all over again.
